Helping Children Cope and Understand

The tragedy at TVUUC involved children, and certainly children will be talking about the issues. A Methodist friend of mine shared these insights with me, and I have adapted them to this situation as we deal with this tragedy.

Needs of Children

Be Accepting
Children need your acceptance of their feelings and behaviors during this time of fear, grief, anxiety, loss, anger, and confusion. Let your children know how you feel and how you cope.

Be a Listener
Be a good listener and non-judgmental in your attitudes toward children's feelings and concerns. Children will have difficulty expressing what is wrong, but you can help them name their feelings and sort out why they feel the way they do.

Be Assuring
Children need assurance of safety and security expressed honestly, realistically, and in terms they can understand. They need reassurance that they are not in danger and are cared for by family members or others who love them. The likelihood of a similar event happening at their church is very small. Avoid being overly protective. Talk with your child about concrete things you can do to help make things better for those persons who were involved. You might be surprised at what your child comes up with.

You can send notes and cards to TVUUC to be sent to children and their families.

Be Comforting
Allow your children to be more “clingy” than usual. They are seeking security in a time of chaos.

Be Encouraging
Children need opportunities for venting their feelings, acting out the experience, and telling their stories. Encourage them in means of self-expression that are non-destructive to themselves or to others.

Be Loving and Caring
Love, love, and more love. Children need to know that you care. That you are available. That your love is deeper and longer than anything they can imagine.

Be Trustworthy
Children need to know they can trust you—your feelings, what you will do, and what they can expect of the future. Trust is always important to a child, but especially so now.

Be Honest
Be honest in answering children's questions. Give simple facts, without too much information, in a loving, caring atmosphere. Children cope best with what they know. Yes, this happened. Yes, it was a bad thing. Yes, it could happen at any church. But the odds are that it won’t. Sometimes all we can say is "I don't know" or "Let's try to find out." Don’t be afraid to use words such as “death,” “dying,” or “evil.” Your children understand these words on their own level.

Be Hopeful
Children need to know that events like this will not happen all the time. If these things do happen, God is still there with them to help them and strengthen them. People all around them are working to keep them safe at their churches, schools, and in their communities.

Be Real
Children may have difficulty distinguishing between fact and fantasy in watching television. Help them know what is real and what is a story. Journalism in today’s world sometimes goes for the worst stories or only covers a part of the story because of a deadline or a short time frame. Remember, ninety percent of what a child learns comes through the eyes. Avoid watching the news accounts of this tragedy over and over and over again on television. After watching the news, talk about what you have seen.

Be Normal
When children's lives have been turned upside down, put some semblance of stability back into their lives. Keep routines such as bedtime, mealtime, church attendance, and activities, as close to normal as possible. This will help children have a sense of being in control.

Remain active in church. The best way to reinforce safety and security is to come and demonstrate safety.

Be Supportive
Children need your support when disturbing videos are shown on television or when other children make disparaging remarks that hurt. Children may want to focus on a positive activity that will make them feel that they are in control. Talk with children about ways to help other children feel included. Support them in this role wherever possible. Whenever a child feels threatened at church, school or in other public areas, take it seriously.

Be Understanding
Children need the calm presence of and contact with family members or adult care givers who understand their feelings and needs. Your role will be to interpret, clarify, and respond to the children's questions. Avoid withholding important information. Children can tell when something is not right.


Ways Children Respond After Violence

Children may respond:
physically
—to the sights of the event as seen through television, newspapers, and magazines
—to the sense of not being “safe” in formerly familiar environments
––to loud noises and unsettling crowds

emotionally
—by becoming hyperactive, overly busy, active, or restless as they try to make sense of the event
—by becoming egocentric, feeling they are the only ones affected and thinking only of self (Will someone shoot me?)
—by being fearful of injury or death to a loved one (such as a sibling who may be in another church)
––by reacting negatively when separated from the family, or by being afraid they will be left alone
—by becoming friendly and glad to be alive
––by becoming very talkative and wanting to share his or her experiences with everyone
—by overly responding to their emotions of anger by hitting, kicking, or throwing objects
––by being upset more easily or showing worry unnecessarily
psychologically
—by needing to tell their own story over and over
—by becoming dependent and fearful
—by feeling guilt and seeking theological explanations (God did not “allow” this to happen.)
—by role reversal or transference. (If a family member were killed, they may try to fill the missing person's role in the family.)
—by having a higher than normal anxiety and stress level
—by being afraid to go to bed at night or to go to sleep for fear of something happening
—by coping through denial that certain feelings are present, or by suppressing that this is actually happening

socially
—by becoming shy and withdrawn from both adults and peers
—by being overly fearful of strangers, especially if they are in uniform
—by clinging to parents for fear that one or both of them will leave (They may refuse to go to school or church, feeling it is unsafe.)
—by becoming upset more easily (shown by crying, fighting, or exhibiting other forms of disruptive behavior)

spiritually
—by asking questions about God. (Why didn’t God stop the shooter? Why didn’t God protect the young men and women on that college campus? If these people were doing nothing wrong, why did God allow this terrible thing to happen?)
—by lacking trust in God (Will God take good care of me? If someone shoots my daddy or mommy, who will care for me?)
—by questioning God's presence with us (If God is here, why do I feel so bad? Why didn't God keep the killings from happening?)


Ways to Help Children Express Their Feelings

Send Cards
Channel their fears into helping them support others who are grieving.

Water Play
Playing in a tub of warm water stimulates inhibited children and soothes explosive children. A warm bath may help relieve stress.

Play dough
Play dough can be worked or reworked to express feelings of anger, frustration, and anxiety.

Painting
Painting can help children express moods of joy, sorrow, fear, or anger. Children paint what they feel or what matters in their lives. Finger painting is a good medium for such expression.

Puzzles
Puzzles can be a way for children to create order out of chaos. Children whose lives have become disoriented, confused, or disrupted will often feel better after putting a puzzle together.

Toys
Toys can help children relive a bad experience or play out their feelings. Often the victim becomes the rescuer, the one in control.

Puppets
The use of puppets enables children to become talkative and to reenact an unhappy experience. Puppets are good listeners.

Books
Children often lack the vocabulary to express their feelings. A book can help define a child's understanding of death, violence, and anxiety.

Cuddly Toys
Sitting quietly with a cuddly toy can soothe an angry or fearful child.

Music
Music allows an emotional release and the free expression of feelings through songs, creative movement, and games.

Play
Active play allows for release of emotional energy in a socially approved way. Quiet games may be comforting to a child who chooses to be alone.

Storytelling
Storytelling, drama, and role plays are ways to help children tell their stories, to act out feelings, and to resolve conflicts.


What Parents Can Do

• Help your children distinguish between the reality of television coverage of the event and the fantasy of movies, especially for young children. These people died. They won’t get up after the cameras stop rolling and walk away.

• Limit the time you permit your children to watch the news. Watch the news with them and encourage them to talk about what you saw. Correct any misunderstandings and answer any questions.

• Keep routines and expectations of behavior as close to normal as possible to give children stability in their daily lives.

• Be honest in answering children's questions. Keep answers simple, without giving more information than the child needs at the time.

• Be honest with your own feelings. Discuss these with your children or help them know that you have some of the same feelings that they have.

• Assure them of your love. Reassure them that you will keep them safe and will be there to care for them.

• Help children realize that they are not responsible for what has happened and could not have prevented it.

• Provide comfort in ways that feel reassuring to you and to your children.

• Watch for signs of maladjustment to the event. Spend extra time putting children to bed. Leave the night light on, if needed. Give opportunity for them to ask questions, express concerns, or share their feelings before going to sleep.

• Listen to what the children say, how they say it, and what they play. Is there evidence of fear, anxiety, or insecurity? Talk about and clarify any feelings shown in the conversation or play.

• Have quiet family times together. Spend time sharing concerns, expressing feelings, feeling God's reassuring presence, and praying to God to express your needs and concerns.

• Assure children that God listens to our prayers and answers them. That God continues to love us. That God is a forgiving God. That God knows our needs. That God cares how they feel, think, or act. That God can take away their fears and anxiety. That God is always with us and will guide us and strengthen us to meet whatever lies ahead.

• Plan for the family to attend church and Sunday school regularly to feel the support and strength of this community of believers.

• If a child's adjustment does not return to normal after a sufficient time, consider talking with someone (minister, school counselor, or professional counselor) who understands children and their needs.

*Reach out to loneley people. Jim Adkisson was a lonely man with no family in town and lived by himself. Look in your neighborhood, school, and church for people who are isolated. Befriend them and let them know you care.