Sammi (Sabrina) Thank-you-monial from First Baptist Church, Knoxville on Vimeo.
This article will appear in the Knoxville News-Sentinel's Community Columnist section Sunday, November 22.
My dad left one treasure for me to find after he died. Without a map for guidance, I needed providence and social media on my journey to discovery.
My father’s life was not scripted for a bookstore’s family section. After attending the University of Florida, his world, including his relationships, turned upside down. In the late 1950's, he and his wife Hilda had a son, David. After a few years, they divorced. My dad lost contact with David. Hilda remarried. The rest became a well-kept family secret.
Working in his brother's accounting practice, my dad met my mother. They married in 1970; I was born in 1972. While innocently flipping through a photo album as a child, I discovered a picture of a boy who looked like Dad and me. The long-buried secret was open, but the mystery endured. My father died in 1983; my mother did not remarry; and my half brother became the subject of much discussion and speculation. Dad's brothers began searching for David, but every road turned down a blind alley.
Upon moving to Knoxville five years ago, I resumed the search. Closer to my family of origin, I felt I had a chance of locating my half brother. In December 2007, I shared with my church a bit of Dad's past and my family’s odyssey to explain how God's providence works with divorce, redemption, and healing.
A strange series of coincidences followed. Two weeks later, I received a call from North Carolina. A critically ill great uncle, who had not heard the sermon, wanted to meet his “preacher great nephew” and give me pictures of my half brother, Dad, and Hilda. Before I had time for a visit, my great uncle and his wife died; I never received the pictures. Yet I chose to view this experience as a sign I was getting closer, a reminder to be faithful in my search. Turning to the social-media network Facebook, I posted family-tree information and waited. Occasionally, I googled my last name, checked ancestor.com, and hoped.
On October 2, 2009, I received an email message from David Andrews, a pathologist in Miami, which read: "I am most certainly your half brother David, son of Hilda, our father's first wife." On a whim the night before, he googled the name David Shiell, landed on my Facebook family tree, and discovered a half brother that he never knew existed. Our stories are remarkably similar, only 15 years apart. He’s 52; I’m 37. We were only children; we completed doctoral degrees; we have two sons.
When his mother remarried, his step-father adopted him when he was 12 and sealed the adoption, locking away his “Shiell” heritage. His mother and step-father never had children, and David has one memory of our father when he was four.
Most stories like ours do not have fairy-tale endings. Just because people are related does not necessarily mean they want to be family. Our case is different. Two weeks later, I flew to Miami and had my first sleepover at my big brother’s house. This week for the Thanksgiving holiday, David, his wife, and sons will travel to stay with us. We’ll join our uncles, their families, and my mother on Thanksgiving Day in Crossville for a reunion 48 years in the making.
If David had not reached out to me, he would have never been found. And somehow I think if my uncles and I had not looked faithfully, he would not have found me. To me, that’s providence: our faithfulness, God’s timing, and the surprises of social media and grace. This treasure named David courageously unlocked the mystery and found relationship. I am truly thankful.
This week, we gather around tables and televisions to remember the things, people and country for which we are thankful. Thursday, however, could be more than a sentimental journey through the Norman Rockwell moments of life. This day we should be grateful for gratitude.
Robert Emmons has studied gratefulness in his book "Thanks!: How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier." He explains scientifically that the right kind of gratitude is actually good for your health. Gratitude can sustain us through the struggles of life and improve our well-being.
Our cultural concept of thanksgiving, however, is usually limited to a form of reactionary self-gratification. We wait for good things to come, and we appreciate what has happened to us. We list the standard faith, family, friends and freedom elements, "count our many blessings" and enjoy the "Hallmark Hall of Fame" style moment. We are the recipients of the gifts; and in reality, we are thankful because someone has been looking out for me.
This attitude of gratitude wears off as soon as the Macy's Parade is over. The sentimental journey of personal blessings does not match up with reality. Life is a complex series of simultaneously exhilarating, exhausting and excruciating events. When you get the promotion at work, you arrive home to find your kids are out to get you. The moment that your son passes the test, the volunteer in the community foundation pulls his funding for a project. Success and sadness go together. If we wait to count our blessings just once each year, we will continue the vicious cycle of struggle, stress and selfishness.
Another form of thanksgiving can actually transform life. Instead of a sentimental version of gratitude, we need sacrificial behavior. We set aside what has happened to us and look to others. We seek ways to express gratitude to people for the things they have done for someone else. We are not being thankful for what we have received; we are grateful to have the chance to thank someone else for who they are.
Consider how this might work in a marriage. Psychologist John Gottman suggests that successful marriages are marked by a 5:1 ratio of positive-versus-negative communication. For every one negative thing spoken or done, a marriage needs five good things to offset the negative. Married couples can strengthen their relationship by finding ways to say thanks before the other person does something for which she is thankful. Instead of waiting to respond to a meal that is served or a car that is washed, successful spouses thank each for being who they are or appreciating something the other person has done for someone else.
Imagine how sacrificial gratitude could affect the office, school, university, athletic field and government. Instead of sending a thank-you note for a present, we offer unconditional gratitude to another person before a gift is given.
Last summer, my church collected backpacks for underprivileged kids unable to afford school supplies. I received a note from a woman who contributed to the project because she was grateful for the chance to give. She wrote, "One year my family picked 100 gallons of blackberries which we sold for 10 cents per gallon to pay for our school books. I was one of a family of ten children, living in a rural (poverty) area. A hint at how long back that has been: I just celebrated my 82nd birthday. Enclosed is a check in honor of my five sisters and four brothers."
True gratitude can give someone more than just a warm, fuzzy feeling. This kind of gratitude can change your life.
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